Overwhelmed

I cannot be upset. I cannot be angry. I have to keep my emotions in check the entire time. I cannot get sick. I cannot complain that I am tired. 

I struggle on balancing my emotions, as a mother, as a woman and as a person. I feel that I can no longer be anyone else but a mother. I am not entitled to just be a person. All I can hear are the words: No, you cannot do that. You are a mother. 

Being a mother to two very beautiful girls, is the best thing that ever happened to me. But sometimes, I just want to let it all out. Sometimes, I want to be angry. Some days, I want to be sad. And sometimes, I want to feel tired. I just want a little room for mistakes, for fears, and for meltdowns. 

But somehow, the label of being a mom has held my emotions back. I know that given my history, any sign of weakness from my end would guarantee the label: crazy and unfit mother.

So I guess, this will be me from now on- a very composed mother from the outside. This amazing and super human strength that allowed me to go through everyday, I draw from my two daughters. And yes, I thank Him for the abundance of grace, without Him, I would not be where I am today. 

8th!

2010. I set foot in Dubai.

Single.

45 kgs.

Fast forward to today, 2018.

Married with two kids.

72 kgs.

Exhausted: One word to describe this journey

Lessons learned:
People will betray you.
You cannot rely on anyone to get things done.

Will I still be here in 8 years time? 
As long as I am employed, I will still probably be here.

What to look forward to this year?
Still married with two kids
At least 60kgs
To be better, not bitter
To forgive easily, and forget
To have a heart at peace

I give back all the glory and honor to Him!

Happy 8th to me!

On being a Wife

If being a wife was a test, I would be a total failure. Hell, I would not even marry myself. I went through so much that I could not bring myself to trust anyone. I only earn a small amount of money. I do not have an inheritance to my name. Over the year, I have put on so much weight. I am at loss at fashion. I cannot even put on a decent makeup to my face. Did I mention I am terrible in the kitchen & household chores too?

I guess some of us are not meant to do the wife-role or maybe whatever I do will never be enough or perfect for this role. This is a test that I only have one shot of, & I failed at this.

But this role has given me two adorable angels. When I look at my two girls - I see hope & strength. Hope for myself, that maybe someday, I will be happy for who I am. And strength, knowing that all the struggles are worth it, because I know I am doing these for them.

From a Very Tired Mommy

If motherhood was a test, I have failed. My children often catch the cold. Unica is underweight. I get criticised & blamed for every wrong deed my children do. At this point, all I can think of is how I miss my mother. It did not fully hit me how hard she worked for the family, until I became a mother myself. Now, I experienced how the things I do are taken for granted.

Yes, they acknowledged the hardships I went through during pregnancy & childbirth. But let me tell them this, the pregnancy was the easiest phase. Raising two rascals, managing a household, & working full-time are very difficult tasks to take on.

So if you see me make a mistake, or miss something, please be kind. A little help from your end will come a long way. I need all the help I can get. I am struggling.

I may not be able to do this the way my mom did, but somehow I know that along this journey, I will figure out all of this. I will take on the motherhood tests, several times as I can, until I get this right. At the end of the day, I have two lovely rascals who I know will hold me close to their hearts, no matter what happens.

When Nothing Fits

Cinderella got her happy ending when she tried on the shoe. To be honest, I only have few pairs of shoes that fit me now. I am 3 months post pregnancy. However, nothing seems to change. It is frustrating & infuriating to rummage through my clothes, try on a few pieces and find nothing that will fit. My body has deteriorated. I am an ugly, fat, old woman.

But you know what fits me now? She does. Her name is Ulyana Maxine. Her fingers fit perfectly into my palm. She snuggles just fine against my body. And when I carry her, she fits just right in my arms.  I felt that I was built just for her. 

My shoes do not fit me, but I still have my happy and perfect ending in Ulyana. She is worth all these struggles. My fears vanish when I look at her. I know that no matter what will happen, I will be loved. Loved by her. And I love her just the same and more.

Merry Christmas my dear Ulyana. You make mommy so happy everyday. 

Listen

The norms of today defined us - on how we think, and on how we react. You are the employee, who meets deadlines. You are the daughter, who sends money home. You are the wife, who serves the husband. You are the mother, who nurtures the children. 

When something goes wrong, you are still expected to continue with your roles. Amidst all your struggles, you are still the loyal employee, the obedient daughter, the faithful wife, and the loving mother. On your moment of crisis, the world will not hold your hand. The world will not stop for you.

I wish we all have that small window, a small pause, when we can just say what we want, with no judgement or no name-calling from anyone. I wish that even for a fleeting moment, we can just be broken. 

But the world demands perfection. Anyone broken is replaced. They move on without you. 

We do not allow ourselves to be left behind. No matter how hard it is, we rise up everyday and meet the demands. And maybe, at the end of each day, on our hidden nooks, we cry our hearts out. The world will not see us. They do not need to know.

#Latepost (written last September)

Being strong is relative. I can work extended hours each day, manage to drag myself out of bed, and come to office on time the next day. I can raise a toddler who throws tantrums anytime she feels like it, refuses anyone to feed her, and sleeps so late into the night. I can stay in a marriage, which has its own flaws and struggles. And to top it all, I am growing a small human in my body, carrying this precious gift for months, adjusting to all the changes and bearing the pain.

Like I said, being strong is relative. I may look that I can handle all these things and more. But no, I am exhausted. Tired. Extremely upset. Done. In this area, I am not strong. I never was. 

You know where my true strength lies? It is when you see me smile, even though feelings of hurt & sadness are welled up inside me. It is when I try to stay calm in moments of despair. It is when I still have faith amidst the disbelief and doubts.

Then I can always look at the alternate truth, or the other side of the coin. Work, no matter how exhausting, eventually gets me the money at the end of each month. The toddler, no matter how spoiled she has become, will ultimately grow up to be my pride and joy. There will always be the friendship and partnership that binds two people in a marriage, no matter the struggles. And of course, the joy of the upcoming newborn is nothing compared to the pain that I am going thru now. 

Confessions of a confused working mom:

Things to do before reporting to work (after my maternity leave):

I will eat sushi. I will go to a salon to get my hair & nails done.

Sadly, I never got to do any of these things. A huge feeling of guilt comes upon me every time I leave the flat & my children behind. This is why I want to spend each possible free time with them: after-work hours, weekends & holidays. Somehow, I told myself that my children will be enough for me. They will fill in all my longings & needs too.

However, this is not the case. I envy ladies with ‘salon-finished’ hair & nails. I envy friends when they go out for dinner & eat their ‘instagram-worthy’ meals. I envy couples who still make time to go on movie dates. I envy people who get to enjoy their weekends, see other people & still get time to chat/talk with others on social media. 

So what is stopping me from doing all these? I tell you. There is this 2 year old little girl who calls me Mommy. She wakes up each morning with the brightest smile & say: Hello, Mommy! She never leaves my side and follows me anywhere - from the kitchen, to the bedroom, & to the CR! We are inseparable. It is because of her need for me that drives me guilty each time I leave the flat. Yes, I may go out with friends, and yes, I may take a weekend off, but while away, my thoughts will always be on this little girl who I know is waiting for her Mommy to come home. 

Maybe this is just me, or maybe this is just a phase, but all I know right now is I want to try to be always there for my children. They only have one Mommy, I want to stay & be their Mommy for as long as I can. 

What is your 'lot' in life?

5 Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
    you make my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    surely I have a delightful inheritance.

Psalm 16:5-6

I look at the life of others and I wonder how they go through life in a breeze; how sufferings and trials rarely touch them, and how they get by without a scratch. I look at my life and ponder, is this the lot the Lord has apportioned me? Am I going to endure these burdens for the rest of my life?

‘Lot in my life’ - the saying comes from the story in Genesis on Abraham and Lot. Lot seeks his own future and is tortured for it. Therefore, in his life he finds trouble throughout. 

Today, the Bible tells me that I can find joy in the ‘lot of my life’. How can I find joy on something so heavy and so difficult to deal with everyday? The joy is found in the Giver. I have to acknowledge that God is the giver of my lot. He intends for me to enjoy my life. He is the Great Orchestrator of my life. He will arrange everything for His glory, for my good and for my joy. He will grant me the grace to find the beauty on my sufferings, to wait on Him and to find joy in my toil.

¹⁸ This is what I have observed to be good: that it is appropriate for a person to eat, to drink and to find satisfaction in their toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given them—for this is their lot. ¹⁹ Moreover, when God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them, to accept their lot and be happy in their toil—this is a gift of God. ²⁰ They seldom reflect on the days of their life, because God keeps them occupied with gladness of heart. Ecclesiastes 5:18-20

I am looking forward to His redemption. I am looking forward to His deliverance. In the meantime, I will exalt His name, give thanks to Him amidst all the sorrows, look up to Him as the Giver of all of these, and find joy in what the Lord has provided. 

 

On Being Lonely

I feel that most of us are lonely. I must be lonely too. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed with so much emotion, I want to scream and attack my Facebook page. This is because maybe I need validation and comfort from my ‘friends’ in my Facebook account. I fail to understand that 60% of the people who will come across my posted status do not really care and will choose to gossip about me. The remaining 40% will actually drop me a private message and will require the entire story from me.

Today I am reminded to turn to the Lord whenever I feel a sudden attack of anger - to lay out everything to Him, and to tell Him my story. He may not give me the answers to my questions immediately but He will grant me the comfort and peace I seek. He will calm my heart. I know this. He just did now.

Jeremiah 33:3 Call to me and I will answer you, and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

A wife or a mother first?

Should I be a wife first or a mother first? How does the split go? Should I be 51% wife and 49% mother?

I am a working mother. I have a 9-6 job. I cook dinner when I reach home.; wake up in the morning the following day and pack for the day’s lunch; insert {playing with baby}, insert {taking care of the hubby}, insert {taking care of household stuff}.

My role as a wife means taking care of my husband’s needs. The household should be in order when he comes home from work. Food should be in the table. My 3-month old daughter has not taken so much of my time yet. But I can see ahead now how she can be a handful at home. As a mother, I should pay attention to her needs. Train and nurture her as she develops her senses. I am not the perfect wife or the perfect mother. I treasure my family, I want to give both of them my love.

This is one of the beauties of the life He gave us: the experiences I encounter along the way will teach and reveal to me the answers to these questions. I do not want to get ahead of myself. I know that as the days go by, the Lord will show to us how to manage the home. He will grant the strength, and He will give the grace to sustain us. Until then, I am taking each day at a time, learning from the lessons of today and looking forward to make things better tomorrow.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15

My mother

 

They say that when daughters become mothers, and mothers become grandmothers, the mother-daughter relationship is forever changed.

I am a first-time mom. It was very convenient to let my “older and wiser” mother take control and care of my newborn daughter for the first two months. My mother enjoyed every bit of moment with Unica (my 7week old daughter). My little one sleeps with her. My mother sang to her, talked to her and played with her. I rushed home from work to see my daughter safely cradled in my mother’s arms.

Gradually, I am learning the basics on motherhood101. My mother has been a good teacher. We may not agree on certain methods. But we listen to each other and compromise on the best approach for Unica. We are reminded that we are stewards of this precious gift God has entrusted to us. We both love Unica, because we want to glorify Him, the Giver of this gift. Now, I am fully aware of the sacrifices my mother made for us. The journey on raising a child is challenging but the rewards make all of these absolutely worth it and more!

My mother will leave for the Philippines tonight. She will leave behind two beings:

• Her 7week old granddaughter – the joy in our hearts, and the love of our lives
• Her 33 year old daughter – anxiously treading the realms of motherhood; and struggling to survive life in general

Mommy, I will not miss your fussing over the cleanliness of the flat or your constant washing of our laundry. What I will miss the most is the comfort of your presence - to know that no matter what happens, you are just inches away from me. I know that the distance will never be a hindrance of our love. Knowing that we are in each other’s prayers every day, will bring us the comfort and peace we both seek.

I will be the best mother for Unica and I will make you proud.

We love you! See you soon!

 “It’s such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother — that’s why the world calls her GRANDmother.” – Author Unknown

Musings from a First Time Mom

“Motherhood becomes you, Brinee” said a friend of mine a few days back. This made me muse on the small changes that took place in my life since I gave birth.

·       I hum nursery rhymes while taking a bath. Our baby girl listens to nursery rhymes and lullabies all day long. It is no wonder that the music sticks to my head.

·         I rush home from work. No more overtimes. As soon as we enter the flat, my husband and I blast to the room and eagerly take the baby in our arms. Yes, the stories are true. The little angel in our arms takes away all the weariness and tiredness our desk jobs bring.

·         I smile when I see my daughter’s poop. I could not believe how a small poop can make me so happy. It relieves me to know that our little one is healthy and she is excreting her waste regularly.

·         I visit the baby’s section in the shops first. No more shopping for mommy’s new clothes now. She comes first in my heart. She comes first in my wallet too. (Disclaimer: All purchases subject to daddy’s approval.)

·         I take hundreds and hundreds of baby pictures in my mobile. I have over 1300 pictures now. 90 percent of these are her photos. There is no stopping me from clicking and capturing every moment of her.

I am a  first time mother to a 6-week-old baby girl. Her name is Unica Elyse. She is God’s gift to our lives. I know that there will be more first-time experiences to come. There will be more challenges along the way. I am not going to be the picture-perfect, textbook mother. But I know that I will be the perfect mom for my baby.

“I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” - Philippians 4:13

Be uplifted! Read this.

Hello there. Yes, you! I know things are difficult now. Some days just feel impossible and unbearable. Your emotions are erratic. You go through the day confused and lost. You feel alone and isolated from everyone. This is me, reminding you of the following:

Ø  You are not in this alone. The Lord who redeemed the Israelites out of bondage, the Lord who delivered you from all your past troubles is the same God who will bring you out of this darkness. You are secure in His unfailing love. He will get you through this. Place your trust in Him. He never fails on His promises.

Ø  Nothing lasts forever. The pain will recede in time. The fog will be lifted, and everything will be in order soon. Cry, and scream if you want to. Soon, you will not be crying every day. The bitterness in your heart will be replaced with love and understanding. The turmoil in your mind will be replaced with peace. Joy will overflow in your life. Do not rush. You will be healed.

Ø  You are strong. You have been through a lot. You weathered all of them and they have made you stronger now. Seek His strength and His guidance. Wake up with a stronger heart. Go through the day and claim victory. Release forgiveness and love.  

Ø  Every day is a blessing. Look around you. You are surrounded with friends and family who treasure and love you. Seek support from them. Receive encouragement from them. Feel their love, never feel lost. You belong to their hearts.

I bet you never realized how strong you are until today. Cheer up, and take each day at a time. This too shall pass.

 “Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.”

Postpartum Blues

Postpartum sucks. Big time. The nine months of pregnancy and the excruciating hours of labor were the two difficult phases I had to endure. However, I prepared myself for these - I read a lot and absorbed all information I could get on pregnancy, labor and delivery. But no one prepared me for the crisis that comes after childbirth. I got a crash course in Postpartum 101. It is rough.

I am humbled. I had no idea how to carry a newborn, how to change a diaper, how to bathe a baby, or how to soothe her cries.  Thanking Him for sending my ever-patient mom to take care of the baby, for taking care of my CS wound, and for teaching me the basics on baby-handling/baby-caring.

I still look pregnant. I know I will not lose weight in an instant. But I also did not really expect to look six months pregnant! The doctor said to blame it on my uterus.  They say it will take a little while for me to lose weight. I am taking it easy now - no rigorous exercises. I am taking my time until I can hit the gym or I can start to jog.

I cry. A lot. I was emotionally strong during pregnancy. I never expected to be an emotional wreck after childbirth. There are just so many things that come to my mind and somehow I get affected with these. There is no other remedy but to pray endlessly to Him to grant me His peace- the peace that surpasses all understanding.

I am socially destroyed. Relationships somehow get ruined. Well, to some extent I have to minimize the time with friends – no more weekend-outs, or spur-of-the-moment weekday dates with them, or endless hours of facebook, whatsapp and viber chats. And there is the husband, he will not look at you the same way he did when you first got married. Duh, you gained over 20kgs!

It gets better. I read that sometime soon, the haze will lift and I will eventually figure out most of these troubles. The ordeals I go through now will somehow prepare me for the greater things to come.  The lessons I learn will equip me to become a better mother, wife and friend.  My happy pill amidst all the grief, is my newborn daughter. One look at her, and all my sadness and despair just melt away. One smile from her, gets me through each day. And if I have to go through another postpartum crisis, I would say yes in a heartbeat. She is worth all these struggles. She is worth the pain.

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”